I’ve done it. I’ve fucked up the best thing in my life. I was told over and over that it was going to end. I said “Sorry” more times in my life than I ever thought possible. I’ve come out of the entire situation realizing I am selfish and I only care about my personal gains. I’ve come out of the entire situation realizing that I did not want to let go because I didn’t want to feel pain because why should I feel pain? That is the most dumb fucking thing I have ever done.
When did I become selfish? I don’t remember feeling this way. I don’t remember being so greedy about my personal supply of ego and self-worth. I have none. I have lost it all and over what? A fucking sense of absolutely nothing. I have exhausted every single aspect of my life trying to keep myself wrapped up. I have absolutely run down my emotional health so that I could not let myself be felt completely; so that someone could not look inside my chest and examine all of my organs. I tore myself apart trying to keep myself together. What am I afraid of? What is there to be afraid of? She tried so fucking hard. She let herself stand in the street so I could cross. She allowed me to resist and to push and pull. She let me be the person I apparently have become in hopes that it would change. In hopes that I could finally love her the same way she loved me. Fuck. And I do love her. It doesn’t matter; I could say it a million times but my actions would never match. The way I acted could never fall perfectly in line with my feelings and thoughts.
I can’t say sorry anymore. What does it mean at this point? Absolutely nothing. I’ve lost the one person I truly love and I’m now I’m lost. I am so tired. I am exhausted.